The Prince
by Hana J
Summary: Sasuke is a prince. Naruto is a prince(ss) that is conned into marrying Sasuke in order to prevent a war. No one is happy, least of all Sasuke. Yaoi. SasuNaru.


**Disclaimer:** Standard disclaimers apply. I do not own Naruto or anything of the sort. Heck, I don't even own a copy of the manga. This is for entertainment purposes only and no copyright infringement is intended. Thanks.

**Summary: **Sasuke is a prince. Naruto is a prince(ss) that is conned into marrying Sasuke in order to prevent a war. No one is happy, least of all Sasuke. Yaoi.

**Warning:** Tis Yaoi which means boy on boy action (sex). Flee now or forever hold your peace!

**Spoilers:** None. Oh yes, did I mention that this was a crack fic? That should tell you everything you need to know…

**Author's Note:** Did you really think I was sane? If so, I must insist you read the summary again. Never let it be said that British Literature could not spawn something horribly grotesque. I am proof of this and I shall save you from all that is good and holy!

**Review: **Duh.

**Etc:** I drank vast amounts of cheap wine before writing this…and read too much Harry Potter.

_The Prince_

By: Hana J

By the time Naruto made it back to the castle the decision had already been made. By the time he stormed up to the King's bedchambers after hearing from the King's son, Konohamaru, just what the decision was he had to be restrained by his mentor and tutor, Iruka.

"WHAT?!"

Iruka tried in vain to comfort him. "Naruto, it's okay!"

"IT IS NOT OKAY!"

Iruka struggled to forcibly control Naruto from attacking the King, also known as his substitute dad. "You probably won't even be chosen."

"I'LL KILL YOU! YOU OLD CLOSET PERVERT!"

"Now, Naruto calm down. You don't have anything to worry about." Iruka suggested while holding Naruto around the middle as he struggled to get away.

"Yeah" Konohamaru piped up from the doorway, a safe distance away from Naruto's flying spit. "You'd make an ugly girl!"

Naruto turned his furious glare from the old, decaying, bastard of a King and towards his one-time friend now-enemy Konohamaru.

"WHO SAYS I'M UGLY! I'LL MAKE A DAMN FINE PRINCESS!"

"Naruto…"

"ANY GUY WITH HALF A DICK WOULD FUCK ME!"

"Naruto…"

"YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO PICK ON THE BASTARD CHILD!"

"NARUTO!"

Everyone in the King's lavish bedchamber fell silent at the prospect of an angry Iruka. Even Naruto became quiet at angering his mentor and long time friend. An angry Iruka was a rare sight to behold and frankly, no one wanted to behold it.

Iruka took a deep breath and spoke softly. "It is for the good of the kingdom."

Naruto, once Iruka let go of his death grip on him, shook himself and rolled his eyes towards the dank dark ceiling. "Yeah yeah yeah…I'll become a hero and everyone, but me, will live happily ever after. Yadda yadda yadda."

The King, also known as The Third (in a long line of mixed up numbers and blue blood) leaned forward, his regal robes dipping and flowing around him like a jeweled waterfall (which would have looked more impressive if it wasn't for the fact that he was perched on the bed only half dressed). "Naruto as my son," he cleared his throat awkwardly. "Adoptive son."

Naruto waved away his trite politeness. "Just say it how it is old man. You got some random lady knocked up and here I am. Bastard Child Number One."

The King shook his head slowly and looked deep into Naruto's clear blue eyes. "Now, Naruto you know very well that I do not think of you as a bastard child. You are my son in blood even if you cannot inherit my throne."

"Thank God!" Konohamaru coughed from the doorway. Naruto shot a quick glare his way before resuming his evil look at Konohamaru's dad.

The King continued his solemn speech. "It is with great reluctance that I let you go into the world as a…girl. But I am afraid we have no choice. There is not a princess within our Kingdom and the Uchiha's have planned world conquest. They have started to invade neighboring Kingdoms and the only way we can be safe from future war is to have a princess from our lands marry their prince. A message was released the other day, stating that their prince, Uchiha Sasuke, is currently taking prospects. You have become a future prospect. I released a letter informing them of your arrival a week from today. You will impress them and you will be chosen as Sasuke's future bride and our Kingdom will be safe."

Naruto looked nonplussed. "You're forgetting something old man. I'M A GUY DAMMIT!"

Iruka looked over at Naruto carefully, inspecting him. "Yes, but we can fix that."

Naruto shoved his hands in front of his groin, bending at the waist and warily backing away. "OH NO! NONONO! There is no way I am letting you remove my manhood."

Iruka closed his eyes, silently counting to ten. "Naruto we aren't going to take your…manhood. We are just going to have you dress up in woman's clothing and act like a woman."

Naruto looked at Iruka suspiciously. "That's it?"

Iruka nodded. "Yes."

Naruto glared. "And won't he…oh yanno…notice something is wrong when he tries to have sex with me?!"

The King nodded sagely. "Oh but don't worry about that. I have it from a very good source that he is gay. So I'm sure he'll be relieved."

Naruto's mouth dropped open. "But…but…I'm not gay!"

The King smiled. "Ah, but I'm sure that will change real soon. And if not, you always have the handmaidens!"

Naruto pointed at the King accusingly. "This…this is not fair!"

"Life," the King reminded him. "Is never fair."

…..

Two days later and a hundred pounds heavier (thanks to the god-awful clothing that woman wore) Naruto sat exhausted in the upper levels of the castle. He complained loudly, his words echoing down the corridors morosely. "This will never work! That prince will have to be a complete moron to even THINK that I'm of the female gender."

"Now Naruto," Iruka said soothingly. "You'll be fine. You already look the part."

Konohamaru, hidden in the dark shadows of the room, snickered.

"Shut UP Konohamaru!" Naruto shouted. "Ow! Iruka that hurt!"

Iruka tugged a brush through Naruto's unruly short hair. "Your hair is going to be a problem. Girls, especially princesses, have long hair. I'm afraid to try a wig because it always has the chance of falling off. Especially when we consider who is wearing the wig." Iruka added with a glare at Naruto.

"Hey! What is that suppose to mean!"

"It means," Konohamaru explained with false patience. "That you are a klutz."

"I am not!" Naruto looked towards Iruka. "Am I?"

Iruka continued tugging the brush through Naruto's hair until the knots became smaller and smaller and Naruto's blonde hair stood on end like a giant puff ball. "No, you're not. You're just vertically challenged."

"Meaning," Konohamaru added while Iruka stifled a groan. "That you can't walk straight, much less handle two tasks at the same time."

"Konohamaru, if you weren't the King's son I would have killed you by now." Naruto said.

"Sure sure…" Konohamaru waved away his words.

"I hate you." Naruto stated.

"And I love you!" Konohamaru spoke brightly.

"Boys." Iruka said through gritted teeth. "We have work to do. Naruto, insulting people so bluntly is not very lady-like."

"Yeah," Konohamaru laughed. "You're going to have to be subtle now. Ladies are silent manipulators, not that you know how to manipulate anything anyway."

Naruto harrumphed and ignored Konohamaru's baiting by looking in the mirror and shrieking. "My hair! It's…it's …puffy." He prodded his hair with his fingers experimentally.

Iruka shrugged apologetically. "I had to get all the tangles out. When was the last time you took a bath anyway?"

Naruto edged away from Iruka, laughing weakly. "Eh...you know…last um…er…well I'm a very busy half-prince and…"

"Naruto…" Iruka growled.

"Eeep!" Naruto dodged Iruka's grab for him and ran. He tripped over his dress while running which caused Konohamaru to hold his sides in laughter.

"Shut up!" Naruto howled while Iruka latched onto one of his ankles. "It's not funny! I don't want to take a bath! Get off!"

Iruka manhandled Naruto all the way to the bath house and threw him into one of the free tubs. Naruto fell in with a large splash and came up sputtering. Iruka took that moment to grab a bar of soap from one of the waiting maids and began scrubbing Naruto's skin with gusto. Naruto's yells and threats could be heard all the way in the courtyard. Iruka scrubbed harder until Naruto's skin was a nice pink tint.

Each time Iruka scrubbed he spoke between clenched teeth. "Girls are clean. They smell nice, have creamy pale skin, and are soft. They are not dirty, tan or oily. Royal females take baths regularly if the water and material is available. They have clean hair and no spots on their skin. They have ruby red lips and powdered faces. They have long flowing hair that is bound up for modesty and trim nails. Their feet are clean and without soil. They wear only the best jewelry that won't leave green marks and they bind their bodies in only the best fabrics. They are quiet and mild mannered. They are intelligent and speak with respect but act docile and naïve. They have many talents which include sewing, equestrian, and calligraphy. You, Naruto, are a girl. You will have all these qualities by the time I am done with you!"

Naruto just continued to gag on the water.

….

Five days later and Naruto was getting ready to leave. He needed two days (well, he actually needed four but decided it was better to look like a girl and be fashionably late than to be on time as a guy) to get to the Uchiha Kingdom. The Uchiha's land began where the Snake Kingdom's lair ended. Naruto was thankful that the King had assigned a different route and they didn't have to go through the Snake's Kingdom because the King Orochimaru freaked him out. He had only met him once and that had been enough. Currently, the King of Konoha, his so-called dad, was having tense peace negotiations that Naruto suspected would not last, with the Snake-man.

Naruto watched as servants carried his bags containing too many clothes to count, weapons he was not allowed to bring but did despite the warning not to, bath products and makeup with too many uses to remember, shoes that pinched his toes and gloves that hid his chewed up nails. He had everything he needed to be female; including bras stuffed with fabric padding that gave him the illusion of having small boobs. Unknown to Iruka, he had even stowed away some of his old clothes, clothes made for a male, with the weapons. What father didn't know, he thought wickedly, could not hurt father.

He watched the last of his bags disappear around the winding staircase in someone else's arms and got up from his bed. It was time to leave. His rush initiation into womanhood had been completed; now he could only hope, nay pray, for the best. May the gods help him, he thought.

…..

The carriage ride to Uchiha's land was long and boring. Once he got there though everything suddenly became more interesting. It was clear why the Uchiha Kingdom was pushing for world dominance. The whole inner city, beyond the palace walls, was exquisite. The city, instead of being dirty was clean and housed magnificent buildings made of stone. It had a humongous library, impressive stables, gardens that made wet dreams look tame and an outer wall of protection twice as thick as any Naruto had ever seen.

Naruto also got his very own parade announcing his arrival. The commoners lined the streets in thick throngs of people, swelling around his carriage in a crescendo of noise as they yelled. He smirked from inside the carriage and opened his window, sticking one delicately gloved hand out. He waved, nice and docile-like, in an imitation of Iruka's wave. Very good, he thought. The crowd screamed louder. Oh yeah, he could get use to this.

Finally the carriage drew to a stop inside the castle. His door was opened by his handmaiden. Other handmaidens, presumably from the Uchiha's staff, swarmed around his carriage unloading his bags. He took the girl's dainty hand and tried to gracefully descend from the cart. He saw Iruka already waiting for him on the ground. He landed, hiding a wince from the too-small shoes. Iruka bowed. Naruto gave a polite curtsy and tried not to glance around in curiosity. He wondered where this great prince Sasuke was. Notice the sarcasm.

One of the knights stepped forward and offered to show him to the prince, asking Iruka to stay behind and wait. Naruto nodded and followed him.

He was led down a long bare hallway. Boring, he thought. He tried to find anything of interest but the walls were covered in pictures of eyes. Who would decorate their castle with eyes? Freak.

The knight came to a stop. Naruto looked around but saw nothing of interest. No prince, no throne room, no nothing.

"Um…" Naruto coughed and used his best girly voice. "Excuse me, kind Sir? Why did we stop, I was told we were meeting with Prince Sasuke Uchiha."

The knight nodded distractedly. "We are," he announced gruffly. "Just got to check the goods first."

Naruto glanced down at his teeny tiny handbag in confusion. "The goods?"

The knight turned to him with a smile. "Yep. The goods."

Naruto, normally slow, always seemed to catch sexual references the fastest. He did the only girly thing he could think of. He screamed.

The knight chuckled, a deep manly sound. "No one can hear ya in this corridor missy."

Unbeknownst to Naruto, Sasuke sat watching the display from a carefully planned chink in the wall with his right-hand man Kakashi.

"Pathetic."

Kakashi chuckled in response to Sasuke declaration. "Like every other?"

"Yes." Sasuke replied.

Kakashi's one eye crinkled with amusement. The lower half of his face and one eye was covered by a black mask that he always wore.

Sasuke's head tilted in contemplation. "No, not like every other, this one is uglier."

Kakashi's smirk was hidden by his mask but Sasuke knew it was there.

They continued watching the display with little concern for Naruto's chastity.

The knight, now nothing more than a fiend in armor to Naruto, grabbed Naruto's arm, his other hand reaching for Naruto's fake boobs. Naruto's screaming got higher pitched. The man slapped Naruto across the cheek, momentarily silencing him. "Quiet little princess! I told you no one can hear you! You'll only make it harder on yerself if you keep screaming."

Naruto contemplated those words for a moment and hesitantly complied. In a soft voice he asked a question. "You mean no one is around to hear me scream?"

"Yes." The knight replied with exasperation.

Naruto grew braver and deigned the knight a look. "So in other words, no one is around to see me or you?"

"Yes." The knight spoke with a leer.

Naruto smiled and then launched himself at the knight with a war cry, kicking off his too-small shoes in the process. The handbag dropped to the floor, forgotten.

Sasuke's eyes widened as he watched and Kakashi smiled beneath his mask.

"YOU BASTARD!"

Crack!

"HOW DARE YOU TRY TO TOUCH ME!"

Crunch!

"HOW DO YOU LIKE IT NOW, HUH?"

Smack!

"I'LL MAKE SURE YOU CAN'T USE THAT DICK EVER AGAIN!"

Crack!

"YOU UGLY ASS—"

Crack!

"POOR EXCUSE—"

Slam!

"FOR A HUMAN BEING!"

Punch!

The knight crumpled to the floor, thoroughly beaten. Naruto smiled and crowed his triumph. His victory dance, a little jig that consisted of flashing his middle finger and dancing around in a manner that was very inappropriate came to an abrupt stop when Sasuke and Kakashi made themselves visible by jumping into view. Naruto paused, stared at Sasuke's robes, the similar splendor and elegance of the cloth reminding him of his surrogate father's outfits before realization set in and he paled in horror.

"Y-You wouldn't happen to be…Prince Sasuke…would you?" Naruto haltingly asked.

Sasuke smirked. "Yes I would and you happen to be my new bride."

Kakashi's one visible eye crinkled in amusement. Ah, how predictable. Sasuke would rather have an ugly girl who knew how to fight than a pretty girl who knew how to whine. And so far, this Naruto (what a weird name) was the only one that didn't scream bloody murder and proceed to faint. This would be interesting.

Naruto stared at Sasuke dumbly. "Say what?"

Sasuke sighed, reconsidered his reasoning and then remembered Ino, the last princess that tried to get his attention. "You are my new bride. Now follow me, we need to announce it to the court before more idiot girls, similar to you, decided to try and get my hand in marriage."

Naruto was dumbfounded. "Wait what? I mean…why?"

Sasuke looked back at the heap on the floor that use to be one of his knights. "Because, you just kicked that guy's ass."

"Lemme get this straight," Naruto added. "You are marrying me…because I just beat the shit out of one of your knights?"

"Right." Sasuke responded.

Naruto scratched his head, still lost. "That…doesn't make any sense."

"It doesn't have to." Sasuke said with irritation.

Sasuke walked off without anymore explanation, expecting Naruto and Kakashi to follow him. Naruto, still confused, stumbled after the fast retreating figure and sneaked a glance at Kakashi.

"Um…"

Kakashi peered at Naruto, Sasuke's new bride and smiled, even though the look was lost behind the mask. Naruto glanced up at Kakashi and looked at the older man's flowing robes and visible weapons. "Er…you wouldn't happen to be his mistress, would you?"

Naruto couldn't help but snicker at the other man's appalled look. Served him right, jumping out of nowhere, almost letting him get raped, and then demanding that he marry that jerk of a prince. Not that Kakashi had anything to do with him marrying Sasuke but he could of at least protested on Naruto's behalf. Not that the other man was on Naruto's side but couldn't he tell he wasn't marriage material? Or even princess material? Wasn't he suppose to be looking out for this Uchiha guy?

Kakashi glared at the little soon-to-be Sasuke's wife. "No. I assure you he is quiet sexually frustrated."

Kakashi smirked as Naruto paled. "Your sex life should be quiet fulfilling."

Sasuke was waiting ahead at the end of the hallway. The door behind him was open and showed a grand view of the King's throne room. Sasuke was a silhouette in the doorway, light pouring in around him, making him truly look like a King.

Naruto approached him like a man approaching his doom.

Someone, a councilman to the King more than likely, announced Naruto's presence as Sasuke's wife.

Naruto was officially the Princess of Uchiha, future wife to Sasuke Uchiha. It was the worst day of his life and the beginning of many more to come.


End file.
